PHOENIX — This Valentine’s Day, there is a safety alert about a difficult topic. While many are looking forward to celebrating the holiday all about love and romance on Friday, it can be triggering, or even dangerous, to survivors of domestic violence.
For one survivor, whose identity ABC15 is protecting, Valentine’s Day evokes traumatic memories.
“Even times where I was so upset, I was crying, I was begging to leave, and he would block me from the door,” the woman, who wants to go by “Melanie,” said. “I was trying to lock myself in different places just to get away from him, because I was so afraid of him.”
Even tokens of affection, like flowers and balloons, bring thoughts of her abusive ex to the forefront.
“The love bombing from an abuser, it seems like you're in this fantasy land,” Melanie said. “It could be a way to come back into the picture.”
She says that was how her partner stayed in her life for five years.
“My abuser, who was really extravagant with gifts, he would make it very special. Just balloons everywhere, chocolates, flowers. And you'd feel that, that sense of, you know, everything's okay,” Melanie said. “But at the same time, it would end up being, ‘I'm going to take this away.’ So if he wanted to, he would destroy the gifts.”
Melanie says he threatened her safety, hurt her dog, and he would not let her leave, until she finally hid at a hotel, then got help from three different Valley shelters.
They were spaces similar to one shelter run by the non-profit A New Leaf, where advocates say Valentine’s Day can not only be lonely for domestic violence survivors; it can also be dangerous.
“They might have their past abuser reaching out, and it's absolutely crucial that whoever those people are, that they actively seek out assistance,” Tanner Swanson, A New Leaf communications manager, said.
Swanson says the non-profit also sees an uptick in incidents on holidays.
“Holidays can be a challenging time for people in crisis,” he said. “We know that we're going to see more people seeking help around the holidays, including Valentine's Day.”
It’s a sad trend that is also becoming an increasing problem for young people. This Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, data from the Governor’s office shows one in three U.S. teenagers experience abuse from a significant other.
Swanson warns about relationship red flags.
“Trying to control who you talk to, where you go. Simple things like controlling your behavior, if they're trying to isolate you from family, friends, or other people in your social network, and trying to get you alone from people who might help you,” Swanson said. “Then there’s also if they treat you differently in private versus in public… When you’re alone with them they might put you down, tell you that you need them, or that they might hurt you.”
This Valentine’s Day, shelters across the Valley are helping survivors cope with fun activities, something Melanie experienced at a shelter with her kids.
“They were doing cupcakes, baking, and stuff with the kids,” she said. “At the same time, like for the kids too, you know they’ve gone through a lot, and they saw me go through a lot, so it helps a lot.”
Melanie says this year she has finally found affection and love.
“I still found it with my family, with my kids,” she said. “A then just kind of also honoring myself.”
Hear more of Melanie's story in the player below:
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there is help. Nonprofits like A New Leaf can offer shelter, court advocacy, and counseling.
If you need to reach resources, you can call the National Domestic Violence Support hotline at 480-890-3039.
